Codependency in relationships is a dysfunctional dynamic where one person excessively relies on another for their self-worth and well-being. It involves sacrificing one’s own needs, enabling destructive behaviours, and lacking healthy boundaries, hindering personal growth and perpetuating dysfunction.
Are you in a codependent relationship?
Relationship codependency is a dysfunctional pattern of behaviour. A codependent person often takes on the role of ‘rescuer’ in a relationship with someone who is ill, impaired, or afflicted in some direct way.
If you or your partner are constantly trying to help, change, fix, or rescue; or you derive self-esteem and purpose through helping your partner, then there’s a big chance that you are in a codependent relationship.
In doing so, you become attached to your partner who has a problem of some sort and needs to be taken care of. However, through your focus on helping your partner, you create an unbalanced relationship that does not meet your own needs.
Core features of Codependency:
Caretaking
Codependents are the best caregivers. You’re empathetic and you feel things deeply; you don’t like to see others suffer, so you want to help. You give until you’re exhausted. The codependent’s self-worth and identity are rooted in taking care of others.
Denial and Avoidance
The codependent individual denies their own feelings and needs. You minimise problems and try to avoid conflicts. You may avoid confronting problems by staying distracted. Resentment builds when your needs are not met, you don’t have a voice, and you are disrespected. Hurt and fear can also turn into anger.
Anger
Your anger may show up as depression, crying, or physical health problems. Your anger gets repressed because it may not be safe to express it directly. You may act passive-aggressively or eventually lash out.
Controlling
Some codependents try to control other people’s feelings and actions. You try to control the outcome and avoid problems from occurring. Of course, this is impossible.
Rescuing
By helping others, you are doing something they can’t do for themselves. When you enable, you are doing it more for them than they can/should do for themselves. You’re stopping them from coping with their physical (or mental) problems.
Tips for Overcoming codependency
Below are some points to consider if you suspect you may be involved in a codependent relationship.
Learn what a healthy relationship looks like
Not all unhealthy relationships are codependent, but all codependent relationships are generally unhealthy. However, this doesn’t mean codependent relationships are hopeless. It’s just going to take some work to get things back on track.
One of the first steps in doing so is simply learning what a healthy, non-codependent relationship looks like:
- A partnership based on trust
- Both partners share a sense of their own self-worth
- Compromise is possible between partners
Separate codependence from showing support
Supportive and codependent behaviours can sometimes be blurred. After all, we all want to help our partners out, especially if they’re going through a tough time. Providing support involves offering assistance, encouragement, or resources to someone who is in need. It can be emotional, practical, or both. Support is typically aimed at helping the person become more self-sufficient, resilient, and capable of handling their own challenges. Supportive individuals offer help while maintaining healthy boundaries and recognising the importance of the other person’s autonomy and personal growth.
On the other hand, codependency refers to a dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship dynamic where one person excessively relies on another person for their sense of self-worth, identity, and well-being. In a codependent relationship, there is an imbalance of power and an unhealthy level of emotional enmeshment. The codependent person often sacrifices their own needs, desires, and boundaries to meet the needs of the other person, even if it’s detrimental to their own mental, emotional, or physical well-being.
Identify patterns in your life
Recognising patterns of codependent behaviour in yourself involves noticing when you consistently put the needs of others before your own, have difficulty saying no, feel responsible for others’ emotions or problems, and struggle to establish healthy boundaries. Codependency often manifests as an inability to be self-reliant and a preoccupation with pleasing or controlling others.
Set boundaries for yourself
Boundaries are limits you set around things you don’t feel comfortable with, especially if you are dealing with long-held codependency. Setting and maintaining them can be difficult. Perhaps you have become so used to making others comfortable that you lack the ability to set and honour your own boundaries.
Here are some tips that might help:
- Try to empathise, but don’t try to solve the problem unless you are involved with it yourself.
- You should practice polite refusals.
- Before helping, ask yourself why you are doing it; do you want to or do you feel you have to; and will you still have the energy to meet your own needs.
Identify your own needs
Codependent behaviours are often a result of childhood development. You may have not thought about your needs for a long time. Think about what you want from life, regardless of what anyone else desires.
Take responsibility for your actions
Trying to control someone else’s actions generally doesn’t work out. However, if you feel validated by supporting and caring for your partner, failing in this can make you feel fairly miserable.
You might feel frustrated because your efforts to help them have not made a difference. This might make you feel worthless or drive you even more determined to try even harder and begin the cycle again.
The best way to stop this pattern is by remembering that you can only control yourself, that you have a responsibility to deal with your reactions and behaviours. Anyone else’s behaviour is not your responsibility.
Practice valuing yourself
If you have low self-esteem because of codependency, you might have difficulty developing a sense of self-worth independent of your relationships with others.
Nevertheless, increased self-worth can boost your self-esteem, confidence, and happiness. You will be able to express your needs and set boundaries, both of which are key to overcoming codependency.
Note that learning to value oneself takes time. Here are some tips that will guide you in the right direction:
- Make sure people you spend time with treat you well.
- Do things you enjoy.
- Take care of your health by eating regular nutritious meals and getting enough sleep each night.
- Let go of negative self-talk.
Learn to offer healthy support
While it’s okay to want to help your partner, there are ways to do so without sacrificing your own needs. Healthy support might involve:
- talking about problems to get new perspectives
- listening to your partner’s troubles or worries
- instead of proposing solutions for your partner, you should discuss possible solutions with them.
- offering suggestions or advice when they ask, and then stepping back to let them make their own decisions.
- offering compassion and acceptance
Remember that you can love your partner by spending time with them and being there for them without trying to manage their behaviour. Sometimes, codependency can be hard to overcome on your own.
If you’re working to overcome codependency, it may be worthwhile to speak with a psychologist. Psychologists can help you:
- identify and take steps to address patterns of codependent behaviour
- work on increasing self-esteem
- explore what you want from life
- reframe and challenge negative thought patterns
You can book in a time to speak to a psychologist by calling us on (02) 6262 6157 or book an appointment online.